Tag Archive for grief

Love Hurts

I have spent the evening with one of my close friends who lost her brother this week. A student from one of our schools (Marist) died this week. There were many students this week feeling it. Another close friend lost a brother in law. I don’t personally know any of these people but I have met some of them. Their loss doesn’t hurt me except through seeing my friends suffer.

When we lose someone we love, it is an incredible opportunity for the survivors to share how they feel about that person and about each other. That is what I have witnessed. I have never forgotten when my grandfather died some August’s ago the love that I felt from my year 9 class and my friends. I really appreciated their support and kindness. Those students are now my year 12′s. I remember their goodness.

I had a year 10 student today asking my advise about what kind of message he should leave on his friend’s facebook page. Our students are not meant to access facebook in class, but sometimes there are more important things than the school rules. In a very respectful tone, I asked him who he thought would read that message on facebook and how they would feel about what he wrote. He was no longer communicating to her, it was her loved ones that he needed to consider, when he left his final note. That is the most important literacy to me. The literacy of the heart in the times of the greatest vulnerability.

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Doing Something

Tonight I had the opportunity to do something to help. At last. Thank goodness. Our school had a couple of teams volunteer for the Red Cross and when I arrived at school this morning I was told that I’d be required after school. I know everyone wants to help. Our school has received emails and offers of help from other schools. They have been offering and offering, blood, money, food, tears, ears and anything they have to make the people around them get through this toughest of times.

I’m still avoiding the news. I just want to be able to listen to the kids stories and to let them tell me what’s happened for them without any graphic sensational images or figures clouding me. A couple of kids returned today. It was still subdued and a sense of dread about what we don’t know lingers. The sky was blue today though and the last spoken news I received at the Relief Centre in Traralgon was that there were no current threats in our area and roads were opening up. I haven’t checked again since then.

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Yesterday

My daughter was born 20 years ago, yesterday. She has always been such a gift to me. I am intensely proud of who she is and at times I wonder what I ever did to deserve her. She was born on the same birthday as one of my favourite people in the world, my Uncle Jack, who was my godfather. Growing up, our family spent a lot of time with our cousins and they were very good times.

Recently in my year 7 class, I had my students sharing their Christmas stories. One of them asked me about my stories and I brushed her off saying I’m not much into Christmas. She asked me why and as teens do, wouldn’t let it rest. This is one of the things I love about them!

In an attempt to be positive, I started to tell her about the wonderful Christmas Eves of my childhood. Uncle Jack was Dutch and we celebrated Christmas with their family of nine children and our six as well as grandparents and extended family. He was a really happy person and their place was full of fun. Santa came, great food, abundance of presents, lots of jokes and all in all everything you would wish for at Christmas.

On my sixteenth Christmas Day, Uncle Jack died of lung cancer. He was in his early 40s.  He had nine children. The oldest was a couple of months older than me. Tears came as I shared this with my class. It is a long time ago and I rarely see that family anymore. Life took us all in different directions. It was a very special and good childhood memory of all those Christmas times that I had tried not to think about because of the grief.

I realised I have been a bit of a Grinch type character at Christmas. I avoid big celebrations. I have got away with it being divorced and having to share my kids with my ex husband who I’ve relied on to ‘do’ Christmas for the kids. He has done a great job of it as have my family. I have not. It was 26 years ago now though and I really do need to get over it.

I still think it was pretty unfair though. I still adore the memory of my Uncle and yet know logically he would have hated the way I’ve been. His own children have put on a better show of Christmas, I need to grow up! So I am going to get into it more.

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Not Much to Say

Tonight I don’t have a lot to say after a day of saying too much. I need to reign myself in sometimes. I should have stayed home today….. Tomorrow I will have to clean up the messes I’ve made!

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Solar Eclipse/New Moon in Leo – Friday August 1st 2008

I read on Yasmin Boland’s weekly horoscope(link below) today:

“Remember that doors which slam shut at the time of an eclipse rarely open up again.”

I remembered the eclipses that occured around this time last year with a bit of flash and realised that I didn’t take that advice on board for a while and I struggled with the changes that came on me last August for months to come. There were things that were quite obvious in the way they were heading such as my pa’s illness and Andy’s departure from my home, but I refused to see or accept them until they were on top of me. I hope this eclipse is not so dramatic for me! The February one wasn’t quite as intense earlier this year, although it did have it’s challenges.

I am quite tired tonight. We farewelled the Mexican’s last night with a music festival at school that went for over 5 hours and then some light partying afterward. Well light for me, as I excused myself shortly before midnight…. other members of the party made a marathon out of it! I need to get my home and my thoughts in order now as all this coming and going of the last week or so has created a little chaos. It’s been a lovely experience though, and well worth the time and energy spent. I learnt a lot about Mexico. I want to go there, it sounds great.  

How do you like your astrology?

If you just want to know how it could impact on your particular sign, I would recommend you check out Yasmin Boland’s weekly horoscope, or any horoscope from your favourite astrologer. I expect they will all be discussing this week and next the changes occuring due to this eclipse.

The Aquarius Papers  contains a big picture, technical overview containing links and connections with the many other astrological patterns and past eclipse effects.

If you like a reflection on this current astrological weather Lynda Hills Sabian Symbols and my regular favourite This New Moon will both fit that bill as well as containing more information about the details of what is occuring in the sky.

 Stay peaceful!

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Today

I went to a funeral today. It was a beautiful celebration of the life of a much loved woman. I was touched by the women who spoke about their friend. She was a young woman of 41. A mother of three beautiful daughters. She was known and loved. I’m reminded how beautiful and fleeting life is. I saw tangible love in the people gathered to pay tribute.

I picked up my new to me, yet used car. I have been so busy lately I hadn’t even got excited about it. Today I did. I am sure I will enjoy it from this point on. I have returned to a small car. I know it will be more economical, easy and it looks good too.

I’ve just had a massage. Perfect timing. I feel relaxed, unburdened of all the tension and ready for a good nights sleep. I hope to return to school tomorrow refreshed and back to normal. I feel I have been neglecting my work with all the activity in my personal life lately.

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The Aftermath

I can’t believe my son is 18. I lay in bed last night wondering where all the years had gone and what time he was going to get home! He went out for drinks with his friends after celebrating with the family. I decided that even though he is an adult, I could still send him a text to say “Come home NOW. School tomorrow!’ because he hasn’t got his licence yet and I will be the one who is late if he can’t get up in the morning.Smile

I felt pretty emotional last night about it all. One of his friends mum’s made him this absolutely gorgeous photo collage. She is so talented. She had all these minature photo’s of Tom and concert and event tickets he’d attended (around 150) arranged and printed onto a large poster with lyrics from a song around the border. It was framed and is a work of art. The song “Time of Your Life” by Green Day is a song that reminds me of my grandmother. It always seemed to be on the radio when I visited her in hospital. I felt really touched by the effort Sue had gone to for my boy. I felt like crying, but didn’t because Tom hates it when I cry, and it was his birthday so I exercised self control.

I had the extended family over for dinner. I cooked way too much food and so had mountains of leftovers to deal with. I always stress about feeding other people so usually make too much.

Interestingly I read Cellobella’s post: I’m Fine, Thank You and Grammology’s Are You Able to Cry? and made my comments, yet it still didn’t alert me to the fact that within hours I would be releasing my own pent up emotions on someone at work, and then having a bit of a sob afterward. I find when I am tired and holding on to tears, it usually takes a little anger, to unstop them. 

Fortunately I had a SRC conference to attend shortly after my outburst, which did a great job of distracting me from the little scene I had made. We have a retreat day off campus tomorrow and I think it will be arriving in perfect time for me.

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Good Friday – Is It?

Is Good Friday ever really good? Well, in my experience, not that often. I wonder if I am conditioned by the Catholic upbringing to feel grief and sadness on that day. I remember actually being quite horrified by the whole crucifiction idea to be honest. It’s pretty full on really. It could be because I am tired or equinoxy, full moon type things, but it was intense for me and today has cleared up as the day has progressed, but I am tired. There were some great moments yesterday though, and as is my inclination, I think I’ll focus on those.

I went back to the lovely ‘Camel’s Hump’ for coffee with my parents and got to chat with the affable owner, Kevin, whilst being served that scrumptious coffee. I really love the water there too. It’s just perfect. I had several glasses this time because I wasn’t alone, so I stayed longer. I indulged in the citrus tart once again, usually I like to try new things, but I just know how great that tart is, so I couldn’t avoid it! I bossed my daughter/waitress around too, which was fun, and balanced out my parents adoration of her. She told me a pretty funny waitressing story too, which I might share another day when I haven’t got a wonderful warm bath waiting for me to climb into.

Speaking of my wonderful daughter Asha, I stayed at her house. She is so like me, she had to give me my Easter egg, because it was great and she couldn’t wait. I love that, we are hopelessly unable to wait, both of us. The great thing is the egg was in a lovely large ‘Desperate Housewives’ coffee mug. Now whilst I think I am like Susan cause she’s so clueless and generally harmless, others in my life believe I am like Lynette, so Asha chose a mug with Lynette “touch me with those MESSY hands, I will cut them off” – as if I would! I hate blood:-)

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Rainy Day

We are getting good rain here today. Luckily I walked down town early because since then the rain has really settled in. I have in my possession Season 7 (the final season) of ‘The Gilmour Girls’ so I am going to snuggle in and watch it this afternoon. My son is at work so I’ll be able to catch a few episodes before I go to pick him up.

I had vivid unpleasant dreams last night and so I just had a nap, to try to recoup a little sleep time. I feel decadent that I am able to do this when I read Cerebral Mum’s post today. I remember when I was sleep deprived. It was tough. I had another bad dream this afternoon though. I woke having a little weep myself. I guess I’ve had a pretty good week, so it’s not so bad.  

The weekends are sometimes too relaxing for me, especially wet ones. Lorelai and Rory will cheer me up!

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The Destructive force – Sleeplessness

In preparing for your kids to go back to school, as well as getting the ‘stuff’ organised, have a think about their sleeping patterns. Make sure they get enough sleep. Start now, getting them into a routine for going back to school and getting up early. Make appointments for them at 9.00!

My nana used to put all bad behaviour down to being hungry, tired or sick. I thought she was just being kind and that it was a bit simplistic. The older I get, the more I believe she was right. Parents are often surprised when I contact them about poor performance at school and ask about their childs sleeping and eating habits or health. I have seen some real improvements in both behaviour and academic performance from parents and students just focusing on getting adequate sleep and eating breakfast and lunch.

Many young people I speak to have said they only get 3 – 4 hours sleep a night. They are up all night playing games on computers, watching TV, stressing, on MSN or studying (sure!). They say they can’t get to sleep. They are too busy, have too much to do after school. They don’t want to ‘sleep their lives away’. I explain to them about sleep deficit and that they really need sleep. The sleep deficit is something I have personally experienced when my children first went to school, I would drop them off and then go back to bed and sleep all day. I thought I was depressed but really, in hindsight I was just catching up on lost sleep when they were babies!

Lately in the news I have noticed lack of sleep being linked to obesity, attention deficit disorder, diabetes and accidents. The ABC Website has this amazing list of facts about sleep. There are plenty of amazing facts and I recommend you check out the list. The ones that really struck me were:

Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.”

In insomnia following bereavement, sleeping pills can disrupt grieving.”

“Teenagers need as much sleep as small children (about 10 hrs) while those over 65 need the least of all (about six hours). For the average adult aged 25-55, eight hours is considered optimal.”

It is difficult to make kids understand the need for sleep. I tell the boys that sleep is necessary to grow tall. I have a book “7 Habits for Highly Effective Teens” by Shaun Covey and in that there is the statement that you need to get a lot of sleep in a totally dark room to grow taller. Boys want to be tall so that can work. I will be able to use some of the new articles about lack of sleep leading to obesity also now. Some girls have mentioned that when they go on extreme diets they can’t sleep, because they are hungry – scary!

As to the how to get to sleep for kids who say they have trouble, I ask lots of questions about what they do. Often caffiene is the culprit, they drink a lot of coke or coffee. Their routines (or lack of) can make sleep difficult.  In working with parents and students we will sometimes set boundaries around what time the TV or computer must go off, with the consequence of having it removed from use, if not adhered to. I have used essential oils with my own kids and meditation tapes. I have also not woken them up and let them deal with the consequences of being late and missing out on stuff due to not being able to wake up.

I think lack of sleep is a big problem in our society. You don’t have to look very far to find someone suffering from this. Sleeping pills seem a dangerous solution. We can’t take sleep for granted. It is a sign of something not right when you can’t sleep and it needs addressing.

I am really lucky, I have no problem currently with sleep. There have been times in my life after the loss of someone I’ve loved or periods of stress, when I have had some sleepless nights, but it has fortunately never developed into a long term or ongoing problem. I have experienced on those occasions how much lack of sleep impacts upon my effectiveness and my emotional levels. I now use a meditation soundtrack to listen to every night and it works well. There are plenty on the market. If you want to look at this in a more entertaining, yet still thoroughly informative way Craig Harper’s: Sleeping Ugly, is a great post on this topic.

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