Love Hurts
I have spent the evening with one of my close friends who lost her brother this week. A student from one of our schools (Marist) died this week. There were many students this week feeling it. Another close friend lost a brother in law. I don’t personally know any of these people but I have met some of them. Their loss doesn’t hurt me except through seeing my friends suffer.
When we lose someone we love, it is an incredible opportunity for the survivors to share how they feel about that person and about each other. That is what I have witnessed. I have never forgotten when my grandfather died some August’s ago the love that I felt from my year 9 class and my friends. I really appreciated their support and kindness. Those students are now my year 12′s. I remember their goodness.
I had a year 10 student today asking my advise about what kind of message he should leave on his friend’s facebook page. Our students are not meant to access facebook in class, but sometimes there are more important things than the school rules. In a very respectful tone, I asked him who he thought would read that message on facebook and how they would feel about what he wrote. He was no longer communicating to her, it was her loved ones that he needed to consider, when he left his final note. That is the most important literacy to me. The literacy of the heart in the times of the greatest vulnerability.
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Happy Birthday to my lifelong friend
Today is my friend’s birthday. We live long miles apart and sometimes we don’t catch up for months and at times even years. There are bigger gaps these days in what we know about one another. When we were six and possibly until we were about 14, we shared our lives and have experiences that will never be replaced or duplicated. Every major event in my life she has been a prominent figure, mostly through her presence, yet at times from her absence. Regardless of either she is a part of me.
Today she is 45 and as always she reaches an age six months ahead of me, like a countdown, so if Jane is 7, 8, 9 through to 45, I will be soon. What will 45 be like… well I’ll ask Jane…Ok, I can do it!
She is the MOST creative person I know. her home is always beautiful, comfortable and welcoming. She has been a major part of the village that has made my children who they are. I value her imput and attribute Asha and Tom’s creativity down to the blissful days they spent in her care. She creates home like no one I know. You know those places you can fritter away hours in before you even realise the time. To eat at Jane’s is not only healthy, there is always flavour… she is a magnificent cook.
Jane demonstrates love. I love her.
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Love is a Verb
Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it.
Download ‘Oxygen by Willy Mason’ from wherever you get your music.
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Happy Birthday Tom!
My son is 20 today. I don’t get to see him which is a pity, but when I talked to him today he thanked me for having him because he loves his life. That makes me feel really good. He also gave me some other good news but I’m not sure if I can release it yet. One of his close mates has flown up to Hamilton Island for the weekend so he has days off to celebrate. It took a lot of willpower to resist getting on a plane and going there myself. Last we spoke there were big party plans so I figured I probably would just feel frustrated at not getting to spend enough time with him myself and managed to control my longing to see him.
I can’t believe it’s been 20 years. It’s flown! I can’t imagine my life without him. He has brought such bliss and fun to my life. So many happy memories. I miss him so much, yet I know he’s in a good place and it gives me more joy knowing that, than it would if we were living together still and arguing about mess and noise. An occasional visit to exchange hugs, news, laughs, music and other important finds is probably a good space to be in at this stage of our lives. I have to be realistic. Gosh I would love to hug him today though!
I did enjoy this photo of him and Meagz… they look so happy and well!
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Full Moon in Libra – Tuesday 30th March 2010
A full moon in Libra is going to be about relationships from what I read. Paulo Coelho had this great quote today on facebook :
In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame others for what we feel. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it. (Maria in “Eleven Minutes”).
That really resonated with me.
Astrogrrl has a good post about this moon, tying it in with the previous new moon. I always enjoy Lynda Hill’s Sabian Symbols for the moons. She is so thorough about all the things going on in the sky. There are so many good astrologers to read. I could spend all day doing it, especially when I’m on holidays.
I have a full Easter ahead with Darin’s parents and children coming here. I am pretty excited to have a full house, especially for chocolate season! I had better get off the couch and computer, stop lying around reading and eating delicious risotto Darin made for me today and clean the house tomorrow:-).
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Happy 45th Wedding Anniversay Parents
My parents Ric and Joan have been married for 45 years today. I don’t know many other couples who are as happy together. They have raised 6 children, been much loved grandparents to 4 grandchildren, made a home we can all return to, yet be independent from, retired and holidayed in their marriage and family but I think their relationship is their greatest achievement. They enjoy each other and spend lots of time together. They still smile at each other and are warm and affectionate. They are nice to be around.
When my mum was sick last year, the thing that rocked me the most was dad. He was lost. It was cruel. There was nothing that could be done for him other than mum’s return to health. No wonder they take such good care of each other. They know.
Their closeness is something I’ve always aspired to and wanted for my own relationships. It hasn’t been simple for me, even though I’ve had great teachers! The older I get the more I have valued and been awed by what they have together. I have to confess as a teenager I found it most annoying that I couldn’t play one off against the other. Most of all I am grateful though to have their abundant love in my life. Their love for each other has spilled over to generosity and love for all of us.
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The Jolly Blur that has been this week
It’s hard to believe it’s less than a week since Asha’s 21st. What a packed week I’ve had! It’s all been lovely and I have seen most of the people I love this week. I miss Kate and Tom today, but had Tom here this time last week for the weekend, which almost makes up for it. I’ve had two phone conversations with Kate this week so that’s pretty good too for someone who lives in the UK. My brother Brendan is home from Darwin and Jane and Sam were here last weekend from WA, so these things have been the real gifts for me this week. Watching my daughter shine at her 21st and entertain all her family and friends with the beauty and grace she carries with her was also a priceless treat. I’ve had Darin by my side cooking, entertaining, cleaning up, holding me up when I’ve had a panic and just generally being rock solid there for me is worth more to me than I can say. I feel absolutely surrounded by goodness.
I received great stuff too, as you do at this time. I especially appreciated the camera from my parents. Darin and I bought a camera recently that has disappeared. I’ve really missed having a camera. I didn’t realise how much I would. I got it in time to capture some of the delight of Darin’s beautiful kids opening their presents today and the smiles and glee at playing with all their new toys. I’m not going to list all the other lovely things.
I’m off to bed, full of gratitude for all I have in my life. I hope all readers have had a safe and lovely festive season.
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Spoilt
Friday I had a bit of a meltdown and felt overwhelmed with what seemed like too many different emotions to even be able to say what was wrong. I went home. Darin listened patiently as I spewed out all the major and minor upsets I was feeling and to be honest some of them were really random. I love the way he listens. I had a visit from Rhonda and I vented a little more. Then I slept all afternoon. The kids were here for the weekend and as soon as they arrived I walked to the park with them and was in the moment for what felt like the first time in ages. For dinner I was treated to a delicious beef and vege pie, with the most divine strawberry crepes for desert, all homemade and just what I needed.
This weekend has been gentle. Ashleigh visited and it felt great to hug her finally for her 21st. I chatted with Jane on Saturday night. I even spoke with Tom in the wee hours this morning after receiving a random text message from him! We played games and watched Christmassy DVDs with the kids. We put up the Christmas tree. I’ve had good long sleeps and yummy food and been with people I love. I have two days of school left and then I will do what I want to do for Asha’s 21st party, clean the house, organise Christmas and just generally and calmly get around to handling all the things that are on my mind.
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Last Teaching Day at Junior Campus
The year 9s finished today and it went well enough. I start tomorrow working with the admin team at the new campus so I won’t be farewelling the rest of the school. It happened so quickly in the end. As it usually does in a big rush where only the important and urgent things got done. I am so tired at the moment and a bit sooky as well.
I feel like I’ve barely seen Darin this week and I miss him. It’s my daughter’s birthday tomorrow. She will be 21. I can’t believe I’ve had 21 years with her. Her party isn’t for another 10 days, so it’s great I will be finished school and get a chance to do the things I want to do to celebrate her on that night. I wish I could see her tomorrow, but we are both working and she is hours away and we can’t even get each other on the phone right now! I haven’t seen my parents since my birthday and that was brief and my dad was out! I am missing my loved ones.
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Hard
I missed my massage last week. We had a function at school and I couldn’t make it. Today I feel like my body is an unhappy place to live in. Today was another difficult day. It’s difficult in my life right now. The thing is that nothing is bad, or not what I want. I want everything to be going the way it is.
I have faced a challenging situation at work. I wanted it the action to happen. It was the right thing to do. It was in the students best interests. I have wanted it for a long time. It was still difficult though. There is a price to pay and it all came to a head this week, today in particular. I hope it will bring an end to some ongoing problems, yet it will create other ones. I hope they will be easier to manage, but I don’t feel altogether sure or confident.
Letting go of my son is painful. I adore him. He has been a constant loving presence in my life since he was born. I have always felt loved by him. I feel understood by him. He makes me laugh. He is caring and affectionate. His hugs have revived many a hard day. He forgives me when I am cranky and for countless other parental disappointments over the years. I want him to go out into the world and have adventures. I want it badly for him. I know he is resilient and independent. He has been financially holding his own for the last couple of years. He is well liked and makes friends easily. I am not worried about him because I think he lacks survival skills. I am worried about how I am going to move through my days without him.
Today I had a few precious moments with Tom before we were interrupted by a visitor. Understandably it seems everyone wants to be around him lately. He told me to list all the things that were stressing me out. As I told him all the little things that had sapped me this week, all the hurts that had been brought to me by the students, the battles won and lost, he just looked into my eyes and he understood. He knows all my secrets. He doesn’t discount the things that give me grief. He doesn’t question why I care. He doesn’t dismiss. He doesn’t even take it on. Even when the visitor left and I expressed how angry I felt at the intrusion, he didn’t judge my irrational rage. He just knows me. I realised even more deeply what a gift he has been in my daily life.
Thank goodness for the internet, mobile phones and flights. I was thinking today about women who had to see their sons off into the world during times without our communication conveniences. It would have been so much harder. I am lucky in comparison. My mum has let go of six children. I have only had to do it twice. It helps to compare.
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