Today I felt overcome by how much I don’t know about what I’m doing right now. I want to be competent but I feel like I have such a long, long way to go and I’m frustrated by that. It probably doesn’t help that I’m working with someone with over 30 years of experience who shows me something and makes it look easy – until I try to do it! I watch and think, ok, that looks simple enough, but then when I go to do it, it’s not.
It’s dangerous work too 
… I have so many burns along my right hand and arm that my friend Cath tells me I look like a self-mutilator. Working with knives and ovens requires a level of being present that I have overlooked at times. Just brushing your hand on the bain marie, coffee machine steam handle or the oven will always result in a burn. Fortunately I have been relatively more cautious around the knives and have only nicked myself a couple of times usually washing dishes. Blue band-aids galore!
There are so many things I love about my career change but today I wondered if I’ve done the right thing. Darin needs to be somewhere else tomorrow for a little while. I want him to be there too. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to fill his shoes for a short while. I would love to think he could go off and be where he needs to be all day, but I know I wouldn’t manage it all without him. That’s uncomfortable for me to realise I am relying on him so much. He’s very reassuring and I know at the end of the day I can only do my best and I’ll probably be ok. It was just a very different feeling than I have felt for a long time… to rely on someone, and have to admit it… even to myself. I wonder how it feels to be him. I’m not sure I would like it.
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